Honesty and Courtesy Lead to Integrity

We all hope people speak well of us when we are not around. I’m talking about after we leave the room and when we are gone for good. 

Most of us, whether we think of it this way or not, are playing for our obituary. We would like to think that someone will stand up when it’s all over, reflect on what they know of us and conclude, before a small but appropriately sad crowd, that “he was a good man” or “she was a good woman.” That’s the long game, but the short game is more important in terms of achieving contentment in your daily life. 

I have found the path to a solid reputation is built on two fundamental factors. It is a simple formula. Honesty, when combined with courtesy, leads to or equals integrity. Please allow me to explain my theory in a forthright and open manner.

I have arrived at this formula through observation, experience, trial and error and I would hope, for the sake of my parents and teachers, nurture over nature.

If you can commit to honesty as a cornerstone of all your relationships and interpersonal communication then it is very difficult for anyone to be a critic. People may be disappointed when you tell them the truth, they may even be angry, but they will be disappointed or angry at the facts as you have delivered them not you. They will respect you for telling it like it is and sparing them from exerting the energy it would take to uncover the truth on their own. Over time, a track record of honesty increases your credibility and makes you a reliable and trusted source of information to family, friends, and colleagues.

Before I go on I should define honesty, because honesty is more than the absence of lying. Honesty requires us to tell the truth even when avoiding the subject would be an easy way out. We all engage in various forms of deception, nearly everyday, meant to save us from confrontation or avoid uncomfortable circumstances. This is where I have found it is most important to tell the truth. Stand up straight. Look them in the eye and explain how it is. Straightforward honesty erases ambiguity. Ambiguity leads to speculation, speculation leads to misunderstandings, complications, and hard feelings. The enemy therefore is ambiguity. Whether it is one person, or a group of people, your audience may not like the truth, but they will be grateful to you for telling the truth.

Of the two characteristics of interpersonal communication I am advocating, honesty is the most important, but when honesty is combined with courtesy the two can only lead to personal integrity. Like common sense, it can be said that there is nothing common about common courtesy. It’s why a personal commitment to courtesy toward others makes you stand out and adds polish to your reputation. Of course, being honest is the courteous thing to do, so being courteous makes honesty easy. The two are connected.

Imagine if you will how your personal life might change if you made a mindful commitment to daily honesty and courtesy. It is hard not to like someone who is constantly courteous. It is hard not to respect someone who is always honest. A personality grounded in the attributes of honesty and courtesy is hard to ignore and attractive to all. There is also the benefit of reduced personal stress. Lying, or avoiding difficult topics, takes energy and increases stress. There is no guilt associated with being honest as long as the truth is delivered in a courteous manner that does not deliberately hurt the feelings of the audience.

Try it. Try it for a day. Try it for a week. Decide to make honesty and courtesy a daily practice like your morning cup of coffee or daily exercise. Notice the difference. Notice how your own levels of stress are reduced. Notice how others react to you. Notice how each day that you practice a commitment to honesty and courtesy you begin to see and feel your personal integrity grow. I honestly believe you will quickly see the short and long term benefits to your overall health and wellness, and growing respect from others.